Five Familiar Feelings Often Mistaken for Romantic Chemistry May Signal Deeper Problems, Psychologist Warns

A clinical psychologist is advising daters to reassess the “spark” they experience with new partners, arguing that sensations frequently interpreted as chemistry can be warning signs rooted in unresolved experiences. Dr. Amy Tran, whose doctoral work centers on child and adolescent psychology, outlines five situations that can feel thrilling yet indicate potentially harmful relationship patterns.

Past experiences shape present reactions

According to Dr. Tran, many adults carry emotional imprints from childhood, former romances or other formative events. When earlier relationships involved inconsistency or turmoil, a nervous system can learn to equate love with anxiety. As a result, a person may repeatedly seek similar dynamics, mistaking physiological arousal for genuine connection.

1. Constant unease around a partner

Feeling consistently on edge in the presence of a romantic interest may be interpreted as excitement, Dr. Tran notes. In reality, the sensation can reflect a nervous system that never fully relaxes because it has grown accustomed to unpredictable caregiving. Mixed messages, fluctuating affection and irregular contact replicate earlier environments in which affection and apprehension coexisted.

The psychologist recommends that individuals slow down and observe their physical state. If the body rarely settles into calm when the partner is near, the tension could indicate a lack of emotional safety rather than vibrant chemistry.

2. Addictive emotional highs and lows

Intense relief when a partner returns after pulling away can feel electrifying. Biologically, stress triggers cortisol release, which activates reward pathways and can create a reinforcing cycle. People may subconsciously pursue conflict or unpredictability to obtain the chemical rush that follows reconciliation.

Dr. Tran suggests practices such as stretching, breathwork, meditation and time in nature to help the body reacclimate to steadier states. Reducing general stress levels can also break the link between turmoil and attraction.

3. Repeatedly returning to the same relationship

A powerful draw to someone is not necessarily evidence of healthy compatibility. Dr. Tran explains that individuals might reenact painful stories in an effort to “master” an old wound. Familiar distress can produce a false sense of control, because the outcomes feel predictable even if they remain harmful.

She emphasizes the value of self-reflection and, when possible, therapy to explore whether a partner evokes unresolved aspects of the past. Recognizing these echoes is the first step toward different relational choices.

4. Perceiving jealousy as proof of devotion

Jealous reactions may seem flattering because they suggest a partner is highly invested. Dr. Tran warns that seeking or provoking jealousy is less about passion and more about personal insecurity. Behaviors that stir a partner’s envy can become tests designed to confirm one’s worth: if the partner chooses or chases, the individual feels validated.

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Building internal confidence is key, the psychologist says. Remembering personal identity outside the relationship reduces reliance on external reassurance.

5. Discomfort when things are calm

Stable connections should feel grounding, yet calm may register as boring to someone used to chaos. When anxiety is absent, a person might fear vulnerability or worry that complacency will invite hurt. That discomfort can spark attempts to manufacture tension, initiate conflict or abandon the relationship in search of a stronger “spark.”

Dr. Tran advises noticing urges to disrupt harmony and practicing the opposite response until the impulse subsides. Teaching the body to tolerate peace helps redefine safety as something other than ongoing alertness.

Recognizing patterns and seeking support

The psychologist stresses that identifying recurring themes is only an initial step. Consulting a qualified health professional remains essential before making significant changes in relationship behavior. Tools that slow the pace of a budding romance and create room for reflection can help individuals differentiate genuine compatibility from nervous system habits.

Research from the American Psychological Association supports the idea that early attachment experiences continue to shape adult relationship expectations, reinforcing Dr. Tran’s observations that chemistry can arise from familiarity rather than healthy connection.

Crédito da imagem: Getty Images