Lifelong Caregiver Reassesses Role After Decades of Family Responsibility

For most of her life, Dutch political psychologist and meditation teacher Dr. Femke E. Bakker believed her value rested on shouldering other people’s problems. A recent personal reflection outlines how that self-assigned duty began in childhood, intensified through adulthood, and ultimately prompted a decisive shift away from constant caretaking.

Early Childhood: A Mother’s Illness and an Adopted Role

Bakker traces the origins of her “strong one” identity to the mid-1970s, when she was approximately five years old. Her mother, then experiencing a severe psychotic episode, was committed to a psychiatric hospital. With their father unable to manage alone, Bakker and her infant sister moved to their grandparents’ home in another city and started at a new school.

Months later, the children’s mother returned. Hoping life would resume its former rhythm, Bakker instead encountered a closed bedroom door and repeated instructions not to interrupt. The mother spent hours at a typewriter working on a novel, often dismissing her daughter’s requests for attention and describing the child’s emotions as “too much.”

Standing outside that door, Bakker decided her needs were secondary. She began caring for her younger sister, monitoring her father’s mood, and observing household dynamics like “a small meteorologist,” constantly adjusting her own behavior to maintain calm.

Adolescence: Travel, Divorce, and Hyper-Vigilance

The pattern intensified after her parents’ divorce. The sisters took biweekly train rides to visit their mother, a routine marked by careful surveillance for signs of mania. Bakker tried not to trigger episodes, walking on proverbial eggshells throughout each stay.

By age 14 she halted in-person visits, yet she continued daily phone check-ins for years to ensure her mother’s stability. In effect, the teenager served as a long-distance guardian, rarely occupying the traditional role of child.

Adulthood: Professional Success and Hidden Strain

Bakker’s commitment to usefulness powered a prolific career. She spent two decades as a professional actor, earned a doctorate at 45, launched a new academic post, married, and became a parent herself. To observers, her résumé suggested someone thriving.

Privately, she remained the default problem solver. Friends and relatives called with emergencies, confident she would respond instantly. Bakker seldom declined requests, often agreeing before assessing her own capacity. Over time, the cumulative strain manifested physically. She describes her body as “keeping score,” a reference to the widely cited concept that prolonged stress can trigger somatic symptoms.

The breaking point arrived when her sister faced a personal crisis. Bakker’s instinct to intervene surfaced, but intense chills, dizziness, and nausea confined her to bed. She realized the episode was her body’s non-negotiable demand for rest. When she awoke hours later, she learned her sister had handled the situation independently—evidence that stepping back did not cause collapse.

Imagem: Internet

A Defining Phone Call

The most significant change occurred during a family vacation. Bakker’s mother telephoned with a list of tasks she expected her daughter to perform upon returning: household chores, administrative assistance, and regular in-person care. When Bakker hesitated, her mother cited examples of other daughters who met similar expectations.

Bakker responded, “I’m not like that.” Although she had spent decades fulfilling precisely those duties, she let the statement stand and ended the call. The immediate sensation, she recalls, was relief—the feeling of putting down a lifelong weight.

Reframing Strength

Bakker concludes that strength itself was never the issue; rather, the purpose she assigned to it had become restrictive. She now differentiates between being available and taking control. Relinquishing the rescuer role allows space for mutual support, including opportunities for others to inquire about her wellbeing.

Her shift mirrors broader discussions in mental-health circles about boundaries and caregiving. The World Health Organization notes that families often serve as primary support systems for relatives with mental illness, but prolonged, unbalanced caregiving can lead to burnout and physical ailments for helpers.

Current Outlook

Today, Bakker continues working as a political psychologist and certified meditation teacher, offering programs rooted in what she calls the “Selfgentleness Perspective,” a practice encouraging individuals to treat themselves with consistent kindness. While she still identifies as strong, she no longer views that trait as currency for belonging. Instead, she practices allowing loved ones to navigate their own challenges, intervening only when truly necessary.

“The decision I made at six kept me safe then,” she reflects. “But I’m not six anymore.” With that recognition, Bakker says she is learning to accept support as readily as she once provided it.